David Blaine’s Friday Musing…

I was recently interviewing a guy for a harassment investigation and he said “at the end of the day, who are you going to believe.” What I wanted to say was “not you, and I don’t have to wait that long.” It got me thinking about cliché statements and how funny they’d be if you actually finished the sentence. Here’s what I came up with:

“I’m not saying you’re lazy—I’m just saying…”— you’re lazy.

“I have half a mind to…” —make a decision using less brains than a monkey.

“If I won the lottery I’d…” —only be able to do 52% of what I want because of taxes.

“If I had a dollar for every time I did xyz” — I’d find a lot of scrunched up dollars in the dryer after washing jeans.

“When push comes to shove…” —someone is getting fired.

“Ignorance is bliss…” — so don’t hire Bliss.

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…” — and most fallen apples are rotten.

“You can’t judge a book by its cover…” —but you can tell it’s bad in the first chapter.

“A penny saved…” — requires pre-tax earnings of two pennies.

“Go back to square one…” — unless you have a round peg.

“I bent over backwards…” — so I want to file a worker’s comp claim

“Birds of a feather flock together…” — so do office gossips.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you…” —especially if the non-feeding hand is holding a bat.

“It was a blessing in disguise…” — but not a really good one if it had to wear a disguise.

“I called him onto the carpet…” —well, actually the wood veneer conference room flooring.

“Cleanliness is next to Godliness…” — so wearing clean underwear in case you die in a wreck gets you almost to heaven?

“I paid an arm and a leg…” — for a prosthetic leg and bionic hand.”

“Curiosity killed the cat…” — says the lying dog.

“Divide and conquer…” — doubles the work.

TGIF!!!! No, I mean it.